To words, for words

You know the feeling when you keep looking at a word long enough that it ceases to mean anything at all. I dont know if there is a word for that. I dont even know if it is an experience that others have. Do they?

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Words that made me think in the past week:

Melancholy - People often mistake melancholy with sadness. But it is seldom so. True sadness necessarily has a worldly reason. On the contrary (at least as far as I understand), melancholy involves a feeling of disenchantment and non-attachment. Its is not rejection of but rather not wanting to be involved with the surroundings. In my opinion very poetic and one of the more mature emotions. Is there any Hindi word for it?

Synecdoche - That along with antithesis started my journey on figures of speech. I wish I could take that class again. I forgot the context of my recent encounter with this word. But somehow it is stuck in my head. How do I get it out?

Post truth world - I dont even want to talk about it. The phenomena is just sad and the fact that this is a thing is truly depressing.

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For a long long time I had confused foreword with forward.

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Are we moving? It feels like we are going to. Gosh, being a grown up is hard.

I cant believe its May already !

It is almost 2 months since the beginning of the lockdown. Things are supposed to be coming back to normal but I dont see how.

If this is going to be the new normal, as a society we will have to learn new ways to be normal. This will require tremendous effort on the part of businesses, policy makers, politicians, law enforcement and above all - the people. Everybody will have to collectively decide to set aside their individual greed to be able to function as a collective. Because, as we have just discovered, individual health is a function affected by several collective (!!) parameters.
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There is a lot of uproar from people from all over the globe to ease the lockdown, to let them be. I am not talking here about the people hit by economic hardship. I am talking about well to do people who are bored in the confines of their homes. And although I do not agree with them, I understand their plight. Human beings are supposed to be social animals. In-person complex social interactions are what set us apart from rest of the animal world. You know there are studies which say that we developed such a large brain just to be able to have conversations. Solitary confinement is considered to be the harshest (non capital) punishment.
Hence the argument that such impositions are not humane may be true to some extent. But then, every mistake asks for repentance. We have erred as a society, we pay the price as a society. It is as simple as that.

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So far all my cucumber flowers have been male. :(

Since there was no chance of having a fruit, I made the most of the situation. Which was dipping them in batter and deep frying ;) Yummy.

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There is a report which I hate. I hate it that I have to work on it and finalize it and get it approved. I hate everything about it. But I still have to do it. This is life, this is what being an adult is all about. Being able to work on things while hating them.
I miss being young and stupid enough to believe otherwise.

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Of cucumbers and corona

My cucumbers have flowered, so has the bhindi (okra). The cucumber flowers are all male till now. But I am hopeful. If nothing else, I will make pakoras out of the flowers.

I want to live in a small house, with a backyard where I can grow whatever I want to.
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The uncertainty has begun to bother me. I know its wishful thinking, but I hope someone just knew when the world would become normal again.

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I used to shield the boys from Shin Chan because I thought it would be bad influence. Now I want them to watch it because I think it would be a good one :|

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I understand conspiracy theorists a little letter now.

Rants of the frustrated kind

Isolation has never bothered me. Most of my topmost fantasies involve having a quiet quaint life in a mountain cabin, a farm with a big yellow barn, a small village on an island(this one comes from the Country of the Pointed Firs). I actively envy people who homestead successfully. So I am quite okay with being isolated now as well.

But its the larger scenario which is worrisome. Many people are dying, many more are suffering out of fear. Fear of the virus, fear of joblessness, fear of poverty. A society made up of people who are afraid cannot function properly. Even when the restrictions are lifted, the gloom shall remain. And this is a realization that is slowly dawning on us.

I am a little angry and mostly just sad that we have brought this calamity onto ourselves. The root cause of such wide spread of the disease is greed. Hear me out-

There have been far more deadlier contagious diseases in the past, killing a larger fraction of people. But, the spread was usually limited to a province, country or continent. Never ever has it touched everyone. We (or rather the social, political and economic forces of the world) have allowed this disease to fester because it originated in you-know-where. Had such a disease originated in a smaller, less financially strong country (pick any one of the smaller poorer south east Asian or Latin american countries of your choice), that country would have been properly cordoned off by all other countries right in January. Boycotted, borders sealed, maybe nuked.. Believe it or not, but this pandemic is a direct result of globalization and centralized mega mass production of cheap non-essentials.

Stop blaming the food habits of certain people. That is not a new phenomena. Those people were eating anything that moves for centuries. Its the spread which is new.

I also understand that there is nothing that will be done about it. Nobody is going to stop buying stuff that they dont need. Nobody is going to shun manufacturers who produce cheap goods because they can afford to keep their workers starving. Nothing will change.

Sorry.

About the plants

I guess I have mentioned the fate of my Bhindi(Okra) saplings before.

Miraculously, 3 of them have survived.  Even more surprising is that they have sprouted buds. The saplings are tiny, and yet they have sprouted buds. I dont think you can see them in the pic.

Meanwhile, I have succulent sprouts, lots of cucumber and a rogue date palm peeking through. Little V has also planted a potato.

I had pruned the mogra and the curry plant rather mercilessly, but they seem to be thriving nonetheless.

I noticed some aphids yesterday. I plan on using neem oil this time to get rid of them. Shall post about the effects.

Quarantine day 14

We have gotten used to the new "normal" now. Things are great as long as I dont switch on the news. Because then it is horrible. For once, I want to live in a bubble. I know its stupid and immature, but here I am.
Uncertainty does not suit me.
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I need to be more inward looking, practice what i preach.

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Surprisingly enough, house work does not seem like a burden at all. I actually like cooking all meals, planning and prepping. It is satisfying for now.

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I pray to God, please set things right. Please grant us maturity to see where we went wrong and strength to do what needs to be done.

WFH

Day 3 of the Quarantine:

My younger son is singing - "Buttery Butt, butt, butt, butt" -over and over at the top of his lungs from the balcony.

The boys have also drowned my cucumber saplings.

For washing hands constantly

The times are weird. It is eye opening (and deeply saddening) to see and realize that the fabric of modern society and social systems are quite fragile. Normalcy is a myth, a facade that we choose to believe in and invest in.

At some level, I believe Human Beings crave stress. But in our day to day lives, we (and I am talking about the privileged lot) are far removed from real conflict and pain. Hence, we have created ingenuous systems to keep the stress levels high. I understand that some stress is beneficial, even necessary from evolutionary point of view. But those reasons are long gone. We no longer have to worry about our next meal, so we worry about the next bonus. Although there are numerous research finding proving that after a certain point, additional monetary benefits do not bring any additional joy, we still chose to be inspired by the same reasons that inspire everyone else. The futility of most social and economical incentives is truly comical.

By sheer chance, I also happen to be reading The Black Swan since the past month. So far, I have managed about 30 pages. :D
Must read.

This and that

This time, we started the year with a vacation. And a quite ambitious one by our standards. But thankfully, the kids co-operated and it was a success. I found a new love in the form of home-stays. It was a wonderful little place. I should take this opportunity to thank our hosts who really went out of their ways to accommodate our noisy family.

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People lead all sorts of lives. We are usually reluctant to see the value in the lives of people who have taken a path different from ours. But doing this deprives us of the numerous possibilities that may still be within our reach. If not for myself, then maybe for the kids.

In any case, it is advisable that we keep an open mind. Practice being non-judgemental. Respect all those who are trying to lead honest lives.
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Wisdom: Usually, we spend our lives seeking it. And if we fail, life shoves it down our throats anyways.
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So as I must have said before, every now and then I pickup an Agatha Christie. It is like my guilty pleasure, like cheat days on a diet. But over time, in my head, I know her. In a way that I can usually guess the culprit when she is introducing the characters.

But the last one I read was different. For a first, she dedicated it to Wodehouse !! I had never felt they were contemporaries. Well of course i knew, but it didn't feel that way ever. (I couldn't imagine Jeeves meeting Poirot. It would have been fantastic though.)

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T (at our last pizza outing, eyes closed, mouth full of pizza)- "I love this pizza so much, I can get married to it."
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V - "ahhh... friday.."
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K - "I need more sleep"

Looking inwards

They say you are most observant when you are in a contemplative mood, looking inwards. I have found truth in this saying every now and then.

Today while driving to work after dropping V at his pre-school, I came across an endearing sight. A young girl, must be 15-16 at most. She was riding a bicycle with a little child sitting behind her in school uniform, clutching her fiercely trying to stay warm. Most likely she was dropping her younger sister at school. By appearance, it was evident they came from a modest household. The weather is cold now, and mornings are chilly. Riding a bicycle in such conditions is not what most of us would be willing to do. But the joy on their faces, and the determination just warmed my heart. The feeling of warmth lasted for a minute before I got scared, really scared. This girls were happy, hopeful to do better (the little one was going to school). The fragility of such beautiful sights is terrifying. I really really pray to God, please look after them. Please.

Of this and that

The art of being creative relies on the science of finding enough time to make the mind feel (relatively) idle. 

The kind of creativity that comes from "last minute panic" (i am thinking of that calvin and hobbes strip right now) is way feeble than the ideas that just crop up when you are not really thinking of anything. Now this state (of idleness) was pretty frequent till some years ago. Not so anymore. We are never ever idle. Even in situations where one used to forced to enjoy the company of one's own thoughts (elevators, metro trains, boring work meetings) , mobiles have become the ubiquitous intruders. If you are not actively working, more often than not you will find yourself staring at a screen. We are not thinking anymore.

I was reading an article the other day which lamented about the slowdown in major scientific breakthroughs in recent years. You know what? I blame the presence of easy passive entertainment for this. 

I wonder what the coming generations will turn out to be. I understand that today's youth are much more likely to explicitly express their views and they are not shy of resorting to (peaceful) much publicized protests. But how many of their ideas are original? Most youngsters I interact with are either vehemently opposing ALL views & opinions of people in authority or are blindly supporting their most popular peers. Being anti-authority is so much in fashion. Mind you, the percentage of people actually doing something is miniscule, most of them are satisfied with protesting whatever cause is in vogue these days. Not just this, the media is actually adulating prominent protestors. I feel sad and angry just thinking about this. 

OK lets calm down. 

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I have started a new resolution to eat healthier. I am talking boiled oats for breakfast healthy :| 

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Most often the euphoria that I get out of new shopping lasts for a week, 2 weeks tops. But this time I am still happy about the purchases I did last month. I guess I was really going for that "joy" factor that Ms. Kondo talks about. 

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Insta type update: Successfully fed family with homegrown veggies.

Reality: We had palak pakoras from palak that I grew in my humble little terrace garden. 

Impressive nonetheless. :D

Logs

The past two weeks were eventful. Meeting all those people after a decade (!) and yet it felt like literally nothing had changed. Maybe all of us experienced a time warp the moment we set foot in the familiar grounds. It was awesome. More so because I fit in that dress (lol). There was also the expected shock of finding strangers treating our place like their own and not realizing the history behind the legendary spots. (they were neither aware of dome nor chhakka wing !!!!)

Anyways.
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The summit was great. All those women, all that force, all that grace and inadvertently - all that faff. Seems like there is no escaping from it. Maybe that's what doing business is all about.

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We have too many clothes ! More than enough to clothe two families. And I dont where to put it or what to do about it.

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Sauteing with garlic and boiling greens works wonderfully. Just add loads of water and an egg and you have a healthy filling soup.

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T tests my patience. Too much. He is just different. Being a parent is that hardest thing I have ever had to do. Rewarding, no doubt. But HARD.

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I fantasize about moving away from our urban lives. Somewhere where there are less buildings, less people, less technology. Maybe there aren't any more of those places. maybe I am just fantasizing about past. Thinking about what the future has in store for human kind makes me even more anxious. What is humankind headed towards.

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Being calm. Having inner peace. Being able to control my thoughts.

I am thinking of slugs for some reason

With the 10th Alumni meet lining up, I have found myself thinking increasingly about my (last) Alma mater. 

I realize (now) that the best takeaway any education can provide is not really knowledge/ facts/ figures, but the change in though process which somehow (hopefully) translates into real practical wisdom.

I dont know how much I could imbibe though :p

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Word of the day: 

Philosophy : Literally, love of wisdom. 

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Doesn't wisdom hold different meaning for different people. Same for answers to easy sounding but really profound questions like - "What construes a good life ?", "what is success?" and "What defines a good human being?".

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A concept that I recently came across was "ergodicity". This blog post by  the legendary Naseem Taleb explains this concept in the context of financial risk taking behavior while making investments. A good article elucidates the concept in simple enough terms to make a noob like myself understand it (somewhat!!).

To good reads

I have been reading (of and on) this wonderful book - The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Absolutely wonderful read.

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The most bizarre thing has happened. Somehow 3 pairs of my shoes broke within the past 15 days. This weird spurt in frequency is inexplicable.
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The recent trip was awesome. It ticked all the boxes to qualify for a perfect vacation. Super fun.

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I have been noticing certain instances(?)/ peculiarities in my work behavior. And the stark difference of it from my everyday-normal self. Do we really take on a different personality at work? Is it good or is it bad? I think I should keep a journal and record. A good analysis requires decent amount of data.

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I guess I have been a little successful in making good changes in my online/ mobile habits. Have managed to increase the amount of reading and other offline productive activities.

For Diwali, I refurbished the little home temple we have had since the past 10 years. I still remember buying it (:)). The experience was really good. And contrary to my fears, the boys did not cause any problems with the whole project. On the whole, they were quite supportive. makes me wonder i i could start taking up more projects.

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With the oncoming winter season, the wonderful spread of vegetables have started in. This year, it is my goal to try at least one new kind of vegetable and one new kind of saag. Lets see.

The tortoise, hare, fox and hedgehog. And everyone else.

Now and then there is a conversation so deep and meaningful that it stays with you long after. Now and then you catch yourself thinking and mulling over it.  I like such conversations… Even when I am only listening to two individuals talk, as long as the talk is civil, intelligent, deep and has an element of fun. They give me space and opportunity to think about things from a distance. After two of such conversations, I thought and found that I could understand myself better when I classify myself circumstantially – sometimes tortoise and mostly hare, mostly fox and seldom hedgehog.

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There are things I don’t want to think about, rabbitholes I am too scared to enter. One of them is “meaning of life”, my own life. What is my purpose? Is it possible (or even preferable) to break from my biological dispositions and succumb to making my own individual being as the pivot of all major life decisions? Do I have any free will or is it just an illusion and we are all pre-programmed and pre-destined to play our parts in the story of life? Has this story gone off script and we are all still scurrying towards doom, too blinded by our primitive and tribal instincts to even see it?

Quote for the day

“We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.” 

― Kahlil Gibran

5 Things

My daily dose of calm (through the ever humble google assistant) suggested today to list down 5 things I am grateful for.

This is a difficult task. Reason one being that I didn't know where to begin. And reason two, because once I started, I didn't know when to stop :|. Of course I am infinitely grateful to God for my family and everything related to it. People, our health, abilities and attitude, faith, home and belongings, jobs, places... and you know everything.  So today I am only going to list the external factors.

So here's the list:

1. Modern medicine
2. Technology
3. Human instincts. The positive ones, and some of the grey ones.
4. The night sky on a moonless night
5. The smell of morning, in a non-polluted green place
6. Trees that blossom in summers
7. Art and music
8. Books
9. Food. The mind boggling wide varieties of dishes around the world. And the fact that I can have anything I want right here.
10. The fact that most of us have living conditions which would have been unimaginable even for royalty just 100 years ago. So yeah, I am grateful for indoor plumbing.

well one can go on and on.

Nuggets of Summer

Now that T's school schedule has changed K and I have like an entire hour to ourselves ... kidsfree !!!! . It feels like winning the lottery everyday :).

I kid you not, we(and I am sure a lot of you) are so engrossed in just getting through our day-to-day activities all the time that it is really easy to forget why are doing that in the first place.

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Just the other day, a newly married couple at my work (yeah couple. married. at work. ) had their wedding party (party. at work. :D. its ok. We are HR. Who is going to tell us off..lol). And the conversation somehow turned funny where each one of us had to give one tiny marriage advice to the couple. Needless to say, it was weird and cringy and hopelessly hilarious. Lots of to-dos and not-to-dos. I felt sorry for the couple.

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I am on a podcast spree again. And since Dr. Cox isnt coming out with any new ones (please do.. pretty please.), I had to explore some unfamiliar ones. Turns out, there is a ton of great content being created by the good people at NPR, BBC and the lot. I just want to take a moment and thank them, in fact I would like to thank all those people whose creations I have enjoyed. I understand it must take a lot of effort to create quality content and not digress into mediocrity.

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Books I read in the past month/ am reading:

* Life's Amazing secrets by Gaur Gopal Das (I like the simplicity of the language of this book. You can almost hear him speaking)
* Rain In The Mountains: Notes From Himalayas - Ruskin Bond (Any book/excerpt by him is enough to transpose me in the mountains. His words are magic. God bless him )
* The murder on the links - Agatha Christie ( yup. I still read her works)
* Sapiens

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We had mother's day celebration at V's school this weekend. And T's PTM. It was a delight. Touchwood :)

V's growing up so fast. But every now and then, he gives us a glimpse of his toddlehood. I so desperately want to hold on to these moments... knowing well that the boys are growing up and in a hurry to do so. Not too long ago, he used to say- matun (mountain), soom (spoon), chrocket (chocolate). Now he teases us with these pronunciations. They still say 'aeloprane' :D

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:)

Wishes

Sorry for the break. I was obliged to divert my attention elsewhere. But now that I am done with that, I might feel no guilt in writing again. Hopefully I will manage to be a bit more regular.

Writing makes me feel so self aware about everything. As long as I am not penning it down, I dont have to face my decisions. It happens with everyone I suppose. We only evaluate our actions and lives when we talk to someone about it. It might very well be a conversation with yourself. I have also found myself lying to myself. More often than i would like to admit. But that is a different tangent altogether.

Lately my work has required me to write about stuff. Things that were practiced since long. Its only when I started putting it down on paper did the gaps in the process become evident. Its a tiresome job. But it has also made me more prone to evaluating everything. 

Truth and lies, right and wrong, good and evil, these are all evaluations. These evaluations are based on circumstances. And circumstances change. However, most of us, do not change our believes. And we feel right in doing so. Upto a certain extent it is also a desirable attribute in human being. We would be shallow without strong believes. In the same time, rigidness and failure to see the merits in opposition is a gross weakness. My wish for this year is to be able to strike a balance between these two.

My wish number two is to be able to be 'disagreeable' at work. I am done with being nice all the time.

Bye bye summer.. please

It has been quite a long hiatus. So much has happened :)

It has been hot, hectic, harrowing and yet utterly rewarding experience. They say change is good. IT has been good so far. In fact, now I have come to the conclusion that people should move just to get rid of unwanted stuff. keep moving to stay lean - works on all levels :D
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The calendar on my desk tells me that the Indian palm Squirrel is call "Funabulus Palmarum" which (i guess) literally implies that squirrels are funny walking creatures. Wow. Who says scientists are dull?

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I have to struggle a bit to keep up with the studies. The hardest part is taking out time. I dont like the idea of giving up having fun. Now that would be dull.